The Golden State of Mind

These are clips, stories, feelings, dreams, and thoughts from my life. The items here are true. Some names have been left out or changed for privacy purposes. Caution, some posts are intense. This is Me, RAW.

The Reason

I heard you were curious about me.
Let me stop you right there.

Not because I think you aren’t good enough.
Not because I think I’m better.
Not because I think you’re immature.

I heard you had fallen in love with me.
Let me stop you right there.

Not because I think you aren’t good enough.
Not because I think I’m better.
Not because I think you’re immature.

I heard you started saying bad things about me.
Let me stop you right there.

Because I know you aren’t good enough.
Because I know I’m better.
Because you’ve proven you’re immature.

You Ehh Not You

This post isn’t for you. It’s for her. The one before you. No, not you either. I’m thinking about her. The one who was brief, but left a mark she doesn’t even know about.

I turned my back on her for no reason at all, so now I can’t tell her that, despite being a few lovers deep, It’s her face I see when the night ends. I’ve seen her with another and faked not being faced.

And, I doubt that I will get a second chance from her. My pride won’t let me ask anyway. It’s fine. I’m too stupid to realize that I am suffering for her. No not you, or you. I’m talking about her. You Ehh Not You.

In the middle of the crowd

Beautiful dresses on skins of different tones. Some hug the thighs while others hang a bit more loosely. The air has a hue of gold. Everyone seems to be congratulating someone for something. The flash and flicker of photos fill the room. People calling out to other people to join their photo, trying to save this moment forever.

Meanwhile I stand somewhere in the lonely part of the room. Hoping that no one will notice that no one is here for me. Trying to plot the fastest way to exit with the least amount of witnesses. I take a few last glances around the room. I spot a couple beautiful beings that have fallen in my arms before. The victims of my irresponsible hunt. They now go out of their way to avoid my eyes. I smile because I don’t blame them.

I walk home in the safety of the dark night. Alone with my thoughts. Recalling all the people I have hurt. Asking the sky why it has given me a soul that forever craves something better, even when what it has seems perfect.

It seems ironic. A person that is so good with people destined to be in the middle of a crowd, alone forever.

You say, I say.

You say you have fallen in love.
I say you have fallen on your head.

You say you’d give anything for my love.
I say you’d take anything just to feel love.

You say your knees shake when I kiss you.
I say your knees shake with any cool breeze.

You say what we have is unique and timeless.
I say what we have is purely physical and mindless.

You say you have images of us conquering the world.
I say you need to read a few books and drink some water.

The Needy Fellas.

Some fellas love to complain about how girls don’t recognize what a great catch they are. They go on and on bad mouthing girls who won’t return their call or text back. These guys can’t stand to be alone. They feel uneasy being with themselves. They have an irrational need to be around a girl.

If by some chance they happen to get lucky, they will spend the next day overly content with themselves. Bragging about the new notch. Then, 24 hours later they need attention again.

What these guys don’t realize is that they are pushing those same girls away with their annoying need for attention. These guys lack a self identity. How can they expect a girl to want to be around a guy who has no clue who he is?

If you are one of these guys, stop being so fucking needy. Spend some time figuring out who you are. You’d be surprised how awesome you already are, but just don’t realize it because you’re too busy chasing female attention. When you are happy with yourself and proud with who you are, true ladies will recognize it.

The next time you are alone for a whole day and feel uneasy with it, have a conversation with yourself. Speak to yourself out loud if you need to. Ask yourself what makes YOU unique and what YOU are passionate about and what makes YOU worthy of yourself.

You’ll soon realize that you need yourself more than you need anyone else. This will make you respect yourself and by default will prevent you from landing on the bed of a random girl who may not deserve you.

In fact, when the right girl does come into your life, she will recognize you because of your strong self identity. And, you will recognize her for having great taste in men.

How Peaceful It Is

How peaceful it is
when I’m finally alone in my room
with the door closed and the light off.

How peaceful it is
when the glow of this computer screen
distracts me from you
and that curve of your hip
that leads to your ass
gift wrapped in black lace.

How peaceful it is
when I’m heavy with sleep
and my only companion
is my misplaced remote
and the old drool on my pillow.

Taken 1/20/14 with HTC Amaze phone in San Jose, CA.

Taken 1/20/14 with HTC Amaze phone in San Jose, CA.

Motives

She wanted to know my motives.

When this beautiful woman,
whose thighs have wrapped me in the dark,
locks her deep pained eyes with mine,
my midnight world explodes with rays of light.
I regain the ability to be me in an unoriginal world.
She does that to me.
Such amazing things become possible,
when this beautiful woman
crushes every single fear with a smile.
I don’t know if I’ll love her in a year,
but I know I loved her now,
until she interrupted me
by asking for motives.

Woman and Her Dreamer.

There’s a beautiful woman.
She walks the streets at night,
with a hole in her heart.
Her love will soon leave her behind.

There’s a sleepless dreamer.
He can only offer passion,
but they ask for his heart.
If only love could change his mind.

Relentless Thoughts

Thoughts scratch my skull from the inside. They’re trying to escape into fruition. They believe their time has come and would like me to display them to the world much like the moon displays the sun. The more I try to ignore them the louder they get. I try to fill my mind with something else, but they invade like a plague. They take over like a Roman army against a small village. I turn to one side of the bed then the other. I lay in every direction, but the thoughts refuse to get extinguished. They burn like a fire through a dry hill top. I can’t take it anymore. I’ve reached my limit. I open my eyes wide into the darkness of my room and scream in silence and for a moment, my thoughts stop. We sit there in silence for a few long seconds, then I apologize to them because they are right. I’ve waited long enough. It’s time for me to become the me I said I would be.